a

saturday in a coffee shop is top tier. my niece (she’s 27) came over super early and organized my closet. she has a gift for decluttering and worked pure magic. i then lounged a large part of the day and then picked all my shit up and headed to a coffee shop and here i sit typing whatever words or thoughts come to my overactive brain. they say to word dump and they most definitely mean like write, write whatever comes to your mind in your own personal journal that way your rambles are contained to yourself. the idea is to save everyone from your illogical random thoughts, like something great will come from the word dump and then that is what you offer people. but i actually have come to hate handwriting. it’s too slow and my hand starts to hurt, not to mention the part where it feels like my hands can’t catch up to what my brain is wanting to be written and so here i sit making this random illogical word dump a blog entry just for you. my head has felt like it’s been swimming lately. like i have so much to let out and i can’t even tell you where i should begin so i started meditating again. alcohol has been on and off the back burner, like i over-drink and then the following day i have no desire to drink. this one is actually progress because i have actively not put myself in the situation where i would then proceed to over-drink but then again this has only happened once thus far so maybe that’s still indeterminable. my parents take a lot of my energy at the moment and i am desperately trying to find balance. balance between this love for myself and this other huge love for my parents. i spoke to b about this and this might sound rather sad but i was like you know i don’t think i want to love anyone else this much. it’s a lot. and i know i will love b this much and all of my siblings and my friends but that’s it. no more. and i guess i speak about that in terms of having children. having children is an idea, a thing, a life i have thought about ever since meeting b and it has been postponed seven different times and i am so glad it was. i never felt it was the time and everyone else would always say there never is a time, just do it. well i’m here to tell you that you know. you know and if you’re having doubts about things, that’s okay. listen to those doubts. i’m glad i did. and if you have no doubts in regards to something you want, go out and do it. anyways i guess maybe what i’m saying is we know ourselves far more than we give ourselves credit for and that part that knows ourselves only gets stronger as we get older and it honestly is absolutely beautiful. there is something to sitting in your space on a saturday in a coffee shop confidently with this knowledge of things you love and the things you’re not here for. anyways, enjoy it. keep on listening to yourself and give yourself so much love. you have so much time for everything. do not rush one bit. move at glacial paces and enjoy every insanely long second.

l, js