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think i’m back bby or i’m definitely on my way back. but first a quick father update: he has been discharged from inpatient rehab where he received his recovery therapies seven days a week. this was not an easy transition by any means for a seventy-year old mexican male who is terrified of anything resembling a nursing home but we managed. they started him on anti-anxiety medicine and it has helped him tremendously in making this new difficult world of his manageable. he’s back at home with my mother who is an actual saint, like truly. she’s honestly perfect. they ruled out that scary, super complicated, rare disease and feel that the anticoagulant will work by preventing any new clots (we still don’t know the source but we are over the moon if we can just get them to stop) so crossing our fingers and praying really hard for that. my sisters came in and my brother has been available and i am just really fucking lucky to have all these people and i take back any awful things i have ever said about any of my siblings (to my siblings: ily, ty, you all are amazing xoxo) now about this being back thing: I AM BACK. i am doing this thing. i am writing. i have done two open mics so far. this blog still exists. i started my new instagram @lovecommajs where all the poems will live. and i’m here, writing another blog entry. i know it doesn’t seem huge but i’ve been kind of lost with some regression into that fearful space an artist or anyone creating anything new gets into. that kind of feeling with that annoying “what am i doing?” feeling like i’m just insanely delusional but i think that’s the perk of being a creative, we give ourselves permission to be delusional. it’s just part of our art. it’s that giggly, bubbly feeling that begins in your chest and runs up your throat where you are so excited you think you could throw up and then you just sit there and you’re like is this real? am i really doing this? and you can’t stop yourself from smiling. that feeling is everything. it is the epitome of hope. so here’s your reminder – be so fucking delusional that even though you haven’t published one single thing you still feel like the artist you have always wanted to be and be so fucking full of hope that you begin to float and it feels impossible to not smile because you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  

l, js