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i
had a whole birthday where i hosted an art show with all of my doodles i had been working on and all of my family and friends came and it was honestly such a beautiful day where i felt so much love as my whole family just whipped up the most perfect birthday i could…
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i
feel as if i have been a hermit, a recluse. like i have lost all of my backbone. and the injustices and the racism make me sick with rage with a desperate hopelessness in my frantic struggle in HOW DO WE MAKE THIS STOP and it’s on a repeat loop in my head and of course it’s…
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i
have been drawing more and more and i don’t know if it’s me procrastinating so i don’t have to worry about writing or if it’s me becoming obsessed with my dad’s point of view. i wrote some variation of this on my substack. i have been using oil pastels and recreating images like my dad used…
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hi
i’ve been absent. i took a good turn and i used up my good turn to just be present and maybe i got carried away. maybe i did too much because at one point i came crashing down and it hurt and there was a lot of fear. it’s scary when the grief hits you.…
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i
rarely wear mascara now just in case i cry and a lot just feels sad. especially holidays and birthdays and anniversaries. and it’s not a complaint, it’s just a fact of mine that i’m learning to live with and the fact that this sadness may very well be with me for the rest of my life. a…
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i
have been resting and taking breaks and asking questions and attempting to unravel everything within me so that i can hopefully put it all back together into some kind of version of me that is so positive and uplifting that she can remember that with enough positive and goodness, good will always win. and while…
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what
the actual fuck has been on repeat in my head the past week. it eventually turned into everything has a direct result but there’s still some intermittent what the fucks and they’ll probably stay if i’m honest. i had to have a hard pause after that heartbreaking result that will have direct results in itself.…
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hi
it’s me on a sunday writing as i promised myself. this was a sad week and a bit heavy but you know i am just reminding myself that it’s only been 7 months and his birthday is coming up and these things are just heavy. it all started with a break down at costco. we…
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okay
so it is monday and i started this post two thursdays ago and edited on last week’s saturday and have held onto it over the weekend and am now posting on a monday. so the days are everywhere because this is one of the deep, vulnerable ones. you know the ones that i started this…
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hi
it’s saturday. i have drank too much and now have a saturday with repercussions that i have to force myself to be kind to myself and remind myself that it is saturday and there is a chance for redemption. i enjoy drinking but just seem to have returned to a bit of an overdoing state…
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i
am making myself write on sundays and saturdays. i am typing words onto a google document for at least fifteen minutes. any words at all. sometimes i just come to type and i can’t seem to put anything on here that feels remotely interesting or appropriate. i will word vomit and i read it and…
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i
had a birthday. it was a month ago and this post is late but nevertheless here it goes. my birthday was hard. this is going to sound dramatic which is something i feel i have been lately but it was the hardest birthday i have ever had. i missed my dad so much and i…
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father’s
day was a week ago. i spoke to my mother and my brother and i said “happy father’s day” to my brother and to my dad, whose ashes are still at my mom’s and then i said “happy father’s day” to all my nephews who have babies of their own. i did take a little…
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since
my dad died i seriously have no idea what to write. and it’s funny because for a writer you would think this is where i would be writing poem after poem. i wrote several poems before and now it’s as if i have nothing in one piece. all of my writings have been fragments, sentences,…
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when
it happened and i typed my father died those first few times it was odd. i have said this sentence aloud a large number of times by this point. each time accompanied with this shocking and jarring feeling with it. i have written it out in various text messages notifying friends and family, one of…
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on
monday, march 25 i drove to my parent’s house. i was at work when the hospice nurse called. she said “we’ve made a decline. he’s started requiring oxygen. i let your mom know but i also wanted to let you know that i think it’s time.” my cousin was at home with my mom at…
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it
is two fifty-three in the afternoon on a tuesday. my new work schedule has consisted of five am starts through one pm and i love it. i’m a pre-op nurse now and let me tell you, the work is chef’s kiss easy peasy bliss honestly. and i don’t think i have ever, like EVER not…
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holy
shit. it’s february. thus far we have spent three out of four weeks of january in the hospital and here we remain in the hospital on february fourth. we came across stroke number seven on january 23rd. SEVEN. my head is SWIRLING. my mother is unwell. my father is very unwell. he’s been bedridden for…
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the
past week we have been in a hospital again. my father lays in a hospital bed with his new stroke. number six we call it. the last one, number three, broke off into two pieces creating number four and five and here we are with number six. i haven’t shared anything yet and this i’m…
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a
saturday in a coffee shop is top tier. my niece (she’s 27) came over super early and organized my closet. she has a gift for decluttering and worked pure magic. i then lounged a large part of the day and then picked all my shit up and headed to a coffee shop and here i…
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i
think i’m back bby or i’m definitely on my way back. but first a quick father update: he has been discharged from inpatient rehab where he received his recovery therapies seven days a week. this was not an easy transition by any means for a seventy-year old mexican male who is terrified of anything resembling a…
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these
last few days have been a lot. my head is SWIRLING with all sorts of thoughts. my father is in the hospital. he’s been having these tiny little strokes over the last 5 months. so far we’re on our fourth stroke still with an unknown cause. it’s hard being in the medical field and not…
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thoughts
from me, again. does anyone else have days where emotions hit like really hard? like kind of a sucker punch to the gut and kind of a sadness pang hurts right in the middle of your heart and makes your body super heavy and that sting in your nose starts before both your eyes start…
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on
the topic of alcohol and my current confusing relationship with it. and this comes after a night out. we went out saturday night and i did drink less than i normally do so pat myself on the back there but we did stay out until two am. i started with a water which was new…
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run
away from this chaotic life – the phrase i have been swirling around in my brain for the last two weeks. i’m currently still trying to learn how to balance everything but i have had some epiphanies. i had a pcp appointment and when asked “do you drink?” i said “yeah, i’m going to be…
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my
life is in chaos. CHAOS. and i think it always has been and maybe i have managed it in the past but right now, at this moment it is too much. i need a routine. i need order. i need consistency so here i am writing about it. i have no insight whatsoever as to…
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and
just like that i write nothing for almost three months. but i think what matters is hi, i’m here. i’m back. a lot has happened. i am thirty-three now! it was the best time of dancing and drinking with some of my favorites. i backpacked and camped in a rugged manner. it was rough but…
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me
sitting in a coffee shop writing is all my younger self has ever wanted to do and be and as i do those things i try to remember this and my younger self just hug squeezes it all so tight like “hiiii i am so glad to be here and see you and be you. …
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is
this my fifth blog post or what?? look at me. anyways this one goes out to deeeeeenial, you are so important to me because you really stop the feelings from happening. and when the feelings don’t happen, i’m fine. just fine. no tears, no sadness. sure, from time to time there is some unexpected misunderstood…
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this
is the third full week of march and as much as i want to not count weeks like this, i am. i want to just be present and stop counting down things. i want to stop wondering what is going to happen next and just be here. maybe give my anxiety a rest from my…
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okay
so i feel like i was like, hey it’s me i started a blog & then closed my eyes & maybe pretended it didn’t happen & then procrastinated & did everything else under the sun except write which is my usual self sabotage method, i think. you see, i forget that something is better than…
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so
i started out strong on the first post, i think. so i think this is me telling you that the vulnerability only goes deeper from here. unsure how deep or what topics i’ll talk about just yet. i just needed a space to write. & yes, any normal person would use a private journal but…
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soliloquies in written form 