these

last few days have been a lot. my head is SWIRLING with all sorts of thoughts. my father is in the hospital. he’s been having these tiny little strokes over the last 5 months. so far we’re on our fourth stroke still with an unknown cause. it’s hard being in the medical field and not being able to find a cause. i was hoping putting him on anticoagulant therapy would do the trick and it didn’t so here we are. on stroke #4 waiting on a lumbar puncture tomorrow to rule out vasculitis. i googled vasculitis of the brain and i’m thinking it’s exactly what’s been happening to him. his cardiac work up is completely negative. he has no other symptoms. i’ve learned there’s a form of vasculitis that can develop independently and have no symptoms or show up on bloodwork which is exactly where we are. i’m the youngest of five and all my siblings have been wonderful and fully supportive in allowing me to take the reins with this and sometimes it just feels like a lot of pressure. initially it didn’t because strokes, easy has to be from this and we treat like this but my father isn’t easy. he never has been. so now here we are 5 months in, waiting to see if the lumbar puncture is positive for vasculitis which then involves a whole other type of treatment, one i am completely unfamiliar with. this stage of life is hard and strange. and so scary because it also has so much uncertainty. i mean i am essentially in charge of this and so far my father has had four strokes making him weaker and more confused and more irritable and sad. so sad. and he holds onto things so tightly and it’s difficult to teach him how to let go. i know what that tight hold on our former selves feels like. we hold so tight fixated on only the idea that we have to be what we used to be and it just has to happen damn it. and i can’t even imagine that feeling during the loss of the most simplest things of yourself – walking independently, painting, driving and all the other things his former healthy body was capable of. i hope he allows himself to be and that he forgives himself and starts to lean into love rather than fear. y’all love yourself and your fully abled bodies and those of all your loved ones. enjoy those moments of good conversation and laughter and happiness. enjoy them so much.

l, js