i

had a whole birthday where i hosted an art show with all of my doodles i had been working on and all of my family and friends came and it was honestly such a beautiful day where i felt so much love as my whole family just whipped up the most perfect birthday i could have ever asked for and there was just this overwhelming feeling of love that i started crying at four pm in the afternoon and then all of the most beautiful people walked in to celebrate me and it was so special and i think i have just been missing my dad so much more since then. and i haven’t been able to write because i think i’ve been going through it and i have maybe come to realize that i only can sit down to write once i’ve come out of it. there’s this processing time that happens and in this case it was months of processing so maybe this is a good sign. maybe this means i’m coming out of it for now. i’m still very aware to the fact that grief, as well as just life, has these ebbs and flows and this was very much an ebb that lasted far longer than the others. and maybe it’s because i’m in the second year which for some reason i have found harder and maybe because it feels more real?? or maybe it’s because i graduated to monthly therapy sessions and you see what happens when my sessions are monthly is that it’s up to me to schedule the next date. it’s not a standing appointment of sorts so i have to call and make the appointment and when i’m left to my own devices, i will wait until the absolute very last minute. to the very last minute where i may or may not be functioning and then the work to get out can be so difficult because i let myself sink so low and i think it always comes down to i just feel so different all the time. and this “feeling different all the time” it’s not always a bad thing but it’s just been odd getting to know her. it feels odd. actually everything feels odd and if i dwell on it too much it makes me really sad and i don’t think it’s this different feeling that makes me sad. i think it’s just this version of me that always exists now as this small girl who just wants her dad to come home. and i’m realizing that this version of me is always there just mixed into all the other versions of me and sometimes i just have to acknowledge this small girl version and let her be sad. i know my dad wants me to be happy and i am. i am so loved and i am so insanely lucky and incredibly thankful but i am still just sad a lot of the time and sometimes it feels like all i want to do is rest and that’s okay and i’m just constantly reminding myself that it is okay and i will be okay and that all of this is okay. so here i am status post ebb, hoping that you are also okay and that you are also coming out of an ebb and going into a flow that you enjoy. 

l, js