hi

i’ve been absent. i took a good turn and i used up my good turn to just be present and maybe i got carried away. maybe i did too much because at one point i came crashing down and it hurt and there was a lot of fear. it’s scary when the grief hits you. and maybe there was also shame in that i’m still breaking down and that day to day things are still hard but i remind myself it hasn’t even been a year. and of course fear and shame are all the first reactions my overstimulated, exhausted brain has and i remind myself to be kind to myself and that this is in fact normal and this one was the most important: the reframing of our friend grief. she hadn’t hit me like this in a while and my other reaction is of course anger that she came in so strong but i tell myself no this is not my grief attacking me. my grief is just holding my hand really, really tight in this as my body reminds me that it is time for us to rest. and i think it was preparing me for this week. in two days it will be the one year mark. and after that, my second complete year without my dad begins. and that has been a whole other thing i have been having feelings about. but these are normal and we are going to take it all one day at a time just like we did this past year and what will be, will be. anyways that’s what we have been doing and in the meantime i started a substack and i am now trying to maintain two writing platforms and trying to figure out if i keep both or if i merge or do i start over and of course the usual, “do i even know what i’m doing” feelings and you know i honestly have no idea. not one and that’s okay.  so for now i’m just going to write and rest and be present and love and have gratitude because i’m starting to think it will all unfold as it will and like it always has and i just hope you too are finding yourself letting go and letting things unfold and that they unfold in all the perfect ways for you.

l, js