i

had a birthday. it was a month ago and this post is late but nevertheless here it goes. my birthday was hard. this is going to sound dramatic which is something i feel i have been lately but it was the hardest birthday i have ever had. i missed my dad so much and i still cannot believe i have turned thirty four years old without him physically here. i dreaded waking up. i lay in bed stalling to wake up as if i don’t open my eyes it’s not real yet. i always call my family on my birthday and i always start with mom and dad and my dad always laughs and says “happy birthday chiquita. cuantos anos tienes?” god i miss him. i laid in bed and yelled “hi dad, it’s my birthday!” and then cried. i do so much crying it’s honestly unbelievable except to everyone else who is also doing this much crying. i let myself cry and then reminded myself that my dad would want me to love my birthday like i always have so i went on with the day in a very slow, very present, very thankful way and at the end of the day i wrote about it and when i wrote about it, i saw dad in so many pieces of the day and it was perfect.

and it’s so odd but around this time something happened. i’m unsure what but something did. maybe it was feeling his presence around my birthday, maybe that’s what made me realize that life still goes on but made me know that his presence will always and forever be there. about two weeks before he died, he said to me “la muerte no nos va separar” (death will not separate us) and i think he was right and knowing that i think caused something to just shift for me. like even though it all feels terrible, everything will be okay. and all the thinking had me think about what i have learned thus far. and so this is what i have as of now and this is a list that i hope to add onto, cross out, revise, highlight, asterisk, exclamation point in the coming years.

1. listen more than you talk.

2. have good posture and remind yourself to sit up straight.

3. take such good care of your physical and mental health.

4. intention setting. do it for everything.

5. love your birthday so much every year that when your hardest birthday hits due to unforeseen circumstances and you find yourself intermittently crying throughout the day, you can also always fall back on what you have always done which is love your birthday.

6. every year you get older, think of all the people that you get the privilege loving and those that love you in your life and be thankful and celebrate yourself being in this life another year with everyone you love.

7. what will be, will be. this one my father actually told me about nine months before he passed. he had just had his second stroke and he said “jessica, you may not be able to stop this and if you can’t, i don’t want you to ever think it was your fault. these things just happen and what will be, will be. that’s life.” i’m so thankful for that moment with my father and i have thought a lot on it and i don’t say “what will be, will be” in a religious sense as if god is making these things happen. i say it as all of us being a part of this huge, wonderful universe that is mixed in with life tragedies and moments so good that they seem like complete magic and we’re all here as energies that are fully impacting one another every single second of the day and where you are right now in this moment is exactly where you need to be and in this complex-not-that-simple-at-all kind of way i truly think everything will be okay. we are okay.

8. surround yourself with love. as in loving friends, loving family, loving partners, and most of all loving yourself. we underestimate love and i am telling you it is one hell of a superpower to be loved. and when you are this loved, i swear there’s not one thing you can’t do and even if there is something you can’t do you’ll know it wasn’t for you. you’ll know it was someone else’s turn and you’ll be okay either letting it go or trying again because you are loved. know that love, use it for good, be that love and give that love in return.

9. this one is rather presumptuous but i’ve also thought an obsessive amount of time on this one and i don’t think we leave when we die. i think we all remain as energies buzzing around and as we leave our physical bodies we come into this understanding that is everything beautiful and so so so much bigger than what we see in this moment that all of our worries almost become irrelevant and what stays and what matters is the love we build while we’re here.

10. manifest the absolute shit out of your life. think of everything you have ever wanted, close your eyes tight, say it and let it go knowing it will happen.

that’s all.

l, js