father’s

day was a week ago. i spoke to my mother and my brother and i said “happy father’s day” to my brother and to my dad, whose ashes are still at my mom’s and then i said “happy father’s day” to all my nephews who have babies of their own. i did take a little social media break from the father’s day posts just because my heart is still very tender and as much as i love everyone with their fathers it was hard to see them without my own and i feel that’s normal, right? i also spend so much of my time reminding myself that all of this is normal. everyone grieves differently and it’s all perfectly normal. i had a closet clean out, i grocery shopped, i listened to a podcast i am obsessing over. it’s julia louis-dreyfus interviewing older women and it’s been incredibly helpful in this grief journey since so many of them have also lost their fathers and/or other loved ones. also side note, everyone on this podcast who has lost someone still feels them here in some way and that’s comforting to hear. it kind of just confirms all the times i feel dad here, which is also something i remind myself is also normal and if something feels like him so be it. it’s him. so on father’s day this year i had an errand day and on my way home from errands i see the clouds and i don’t know i just get this feeling he was there and i said “happy father’s day, dad” again and thought about him and what a wonderful father he was and i sat in my car at a red light thinking of how insanely lucky i was to have him in his physical form for as long as i did. there never was a single day, even at his worst, that i questioned my father’s love for me and still to this day i am very aware as to how much i am loved and i am so damn lucky for that. i hope you too are feeling loved and i hope all your holidays that you celebrate are filled with love and i hope you remember that however you spend it is perfectly normal. we’re doing okay.

l, js