when

it happened and i typed my father died those first few times it was odd. i have said this sentence aloud a large number of times by this point. each time accompanied with this shocking and jarring feeling with it. i have written it out in various text messages notifying friends and family, one of the times was his obituary. and this is the second time i have written it like this on here and it is still possibly the heaviest feeling. i’m becoming well acquainted with grief and everyone has told me i must be friends with her so here we are. she’s honestly always with me. it’s impossible doing anything without her and that’s hard because she is just so unfamiliar in this capacity. right after he passed, my whole family was here for about three weeks and we built this beautiful bubble where maybe it didn’t feel real yet and when it did these waves would hit each of us individually and we would either make each other laugh, remind each other that he is okay and much better now, or remember him in some way and then more of us would cry but we were all together just skimming the top of grief at a point where we were all at high risk of full submergence and we were all just saving each other. i can’t even explain the gratitude i have for that time with my family. the privilege of that is not lost on me. the love we have for each other and the love from our friends and family during such a dark time has been one of the most beautiful surreal feelings i have ever felt. three weeks later we were out of the bubble and back in reality and the waves of grief occurred with more frequency and i cry daily. sobbing actually and sometimes i feel okay and then i don’t. my car and public bathrooms have seen me intensely cry too many times at this point. i’m told this is normal but it’s so unlike anything i have ever experienced and it’s hard to wrap my mind around it. if things are too quiet i can feel this new reality without him and my throat gets tight, my chest gets heavy and the tears come and sometimes it is so damn suffocating and pure angst and i am just sorry that this is a thing that happens, that is happening. i’ve read that we innately know how to handle and overcome grief, that we can come out of this, that this horrific feeling will somehow transform us and can change us for the better and it’s really fucking hard to see that but i’m assuming it’s true unless it’s just something that is said to make us feel better. but i am hearing it so often that i’m starting to think it must be true. i listened to a podcast with a grief counselor and she says she lost her magical wonderful mom at 18 and she says she misses her everyday and even though it’s hard creating this life without her mother she has continued to have a spiritual relationship with her and i love that idea and i swear i feel dad all the time. and for a while i heard him a lot and now i am just jotting down every moment that is part of the spiritual relationship i feel i am currently having with my father. and i am focusing on gratitudes and doing everything in life with the best intentions because i think it would be good. as you know, i’ll be sure to keep you posted. i hope life is well for you and becoming some form of everything you imagined it would and i hope you just relish in that and soak up every fucking minute. and if you’re in this grief like state like me i hope you have so much love around you and just know you’re doing great. we’re doing great.

l, js