oh

hi small warning – some heavy emotions coming through on the potentiality of death and loved ones. my father transitioned to hospice in the last two weeks or so. hospice meaning end of life care and i froze. i’m currently in a dethawing process and trying to make my way back but i froze in that procrastination way where maybe if i don’t move it’s not real and i think i’ve said hospice so often at this point it’s making that weird sound a word does where it doesn’t even make sense and almost doesn’t feel like a real word. honestly all of this is so uncomfortable. i know what hospice means. i know where we’re potentially at. i’m aware of it. i’m familiar with it, except just not with my family. not with my own dad. the dad i have had my whole entire life and i am so thankful for that. i have great people in my life that always ask about him and i think i’m always uncertain what to do with their own sadness that some of them feel when i say “he’s in hospice now and at home.” i always include that he is happy, ecstatic to be home but he’s tired. i think he’s ready. and that fact, i say to comfort them but i notice that it doesn’t offer comfort for some and now that i write this i’m realizing that sadness comes from those who have lost their own parents. and now that i’m realizing this i think i’m scared shitless. they’re experiencing some form of ptsd from their own tragic time and it just is kind of emphasizing how much i am unaware of. and the things i don’t share in these casual conversations is that i think the grief is going to sneakily grab me when it happens and i think it’s going to feel like a drowning feeling. like this torturous act of being held underwater in this liquid of what should have been, what could have happened differently, everything he was and this emptiness of no longer feeling him here. and even with this vivid description, i am also aware it is going to feel ten times worse than this and that is also terrifying and i have no earthly clue what any of this will actually look like or feel and that in itself is also difficult especially for a girl who loves to fast forward to endings in movies and books. i just need to know what happens. and i have to constantly remind myself life does not work that way. and it is in fact the beauty of life right? it’s what motivates us, what sends us forward, what keeps us in our most natural real state that is composed of all of our learning and growing which is what this world needs – people growing, learning, unfolding into their natural, real self and just being kind to each other because life experiences can sometimes be real shitty. anyways that’s all rather heavy. the highlights though – my father is painting again. my mother and father are both home. i have some great sisters and a brother that swoop in and help and a sister-in-law that does so much more than she has to. therapy is still showing to be super useful for me. and goodness my husband holy shit is possibly the kindest, most patient man i have ever met and i really do hope i come back as him in my next life. may your life be filled with lighter things. sending love and tight hugs.

l, js