holy

shit. it’s february. thus far we have spent three out of four weeks of january in the hospital and here we remain in the hospital on february fourth. we came across stroke number seven on january 23rd. SEVEN. my head is SWIRLING. my mother is unwell. my father is very unwell. he’s been bedridden for about a month now and my head is SWIRLING with the consequences of that. currently atm still trying to find a source for these cryptogenic strokes. crypotgenic, what a word. it sounds so futuristic and kind of cool but it’s far from that. it honestly is one of the most frustrating words i have ever encountered in my life and i hate to be so biased at a word i barely met and have begun to use but all of it’s unknowns are frustrating specifically when it’s tied to the strokes in my father’s head. but yes it’s february, we’re still in the hospital and all the emotions are still up and down as you can see. gratitude lists are still insanely helpful and let me tell you, i really do think i used to think nothing of gratitude lists. like oh what a nice thing to do and boy was i wrong because let me tell you, i have had crushing moments as one has in these situations like rage, anxiety, exhaustion, self pity, then guilt for feeling any of those things and then compassion but also regret for reacting with the rage, anxiety, exhaustion and self-pity and it’s a horrendous spiral but the thing that just seems to simmer it all down is listing the things i am grateful for. at this point i list them on a daily basis as if it was a grocery list that i now recite like a prayer and it all stops and puts me here and i can breathe and i can remember to have faith. to let go and stop trying to have control. and then the weirdest shit will happen, like the idea to search for a podcast on “aging parents” comes to me and then of course hundreds of results pop up and i pick one. and that one says everything i needed to hear and then it’s me ugly crying in my kitchen just saying thank you over and over again to this universe, to God, to whoever or whatever is giving me this supportive spiritual hug that feels like i’m fucking floating. also one day i hope my blog will stop consisting of the same melt down. i feel like some of you were here for the non-alcohol journey and somehow stumbled upon a blubbering mess of a person who is navigating life with their aging parents. i’ll work on the non-alcohol journey piece for next weekend and try to summarize it as best as i can because i ramble. like incessantly. and i won’t try to add it to this one just now. there’s been enough rambling for today. i hope every single one of you has had the perfect weekend and that your gratitude lists are overflowing with the most beautiful happenings.

l, js