the

past week we have been in a hospital again. my father lays in a hospital bed with his new stroke. number six we call it. the last one, number three, broke off into two pieces creating number four and five and here we are with number six. i haven’t shared anything yet and this i’m writing in a preemptive way because honestly i’m uncertain when i’ll publish this but i’m starting because i’m in one of those states where i feel like i have the words or at least some portion of them. i haven’t shared because i’m a superstitious gal and i don’t know what it means once i put it out into the universe before we’re finished here. so a part of me wants to finish here and then share. i’m sure others feel this to a degree and then there are some who are just completely at terms with life’s randomness and are aware they have no control over any kind of outcome, like B. not me. i will try to manipulate a situation as if i am eight years old again after watching matilda for the first time. i will sit and shut my eyes as the crows feet try to fight my botox and i will think so hard, think so hard for exactly what i want and then i’ll sit ever so still as to make sure i don’t disrupt any of my imagined powers. and a week later i’m adding to this post. still everything remains inconclusive and potentially will start steroids once we get more results back and we are currently awaiting round two of a rehab stay. my sisters took over while b and i are in denver for the weekend and again just feel super grateful to have my siblings. but also lately i’ve been so frustrated with my self centered mind – it makes me believe that i am the only person dealing with this aging parental stress. as if i am the only girl in the world managing her parents care and boy is that wrong. and the universe i feel like really shows me how wrong i am every time i get into this self pity party. i’ll immediately end up meeting someone who is also enduring the same stress, if not more and in those moments it’s as if we both see each other, as if we sent some lifeline out that they too are reaching for and for a second you both realize that this is just life and we’re all just treading water at the moment. my moods have fluctuated and i have started writing even more gratitude lists and positivity journals to combat this self induced misery, not to mention went to therapy.  therapy is this interesting visit where i swear it is solely me talking and i leave with this solution i came up with just by talking. i’m aware of secondary pain which was the thing making everything worse for me. there’s the primary pain of seeing my father worsening and not being able to stop it and then there is the secondary pain of remembering who my father was and all the things he could do and would do and wanting everything in my being to have that again and that pain, that fucking pain is stabbing, gut wrenching, awful. and in my therapy session it’s as if i was able to say it and then left it there. and now i still remember this from time to time but i remember it in a way where i think “i am so damn lucky to have had a father like that” and then i focus on the present and think of everything i am thankful for in this moment. it’s helping. and i guess i write this because just know that secondary pain will always 100% ruin you and make whatever is already sad into a gut wrenching physical debilitating pain or at least this was true for me. whatever stress you currently are enduring, i am thinking of you and cheering you on and wishing all the positive light and energy your way and if this makes you stop and think “damn i am so lucky and my life is perfect right now” hold on to that and call everyone in your life that is making your life perfect and tell them you love them and thank them and just relish in it. soak it up and keep it and do as much as you can to create more amazing memories with those people so that you too later can think “i am so happy we did that. i am so happy i was able to have that moment” because you deserve those moments and i wish everyone more of them.

l, js