thoughts

from me, again. does anyone else have days where emotions hit like really hard? like kind of a sucker punch to the gut and kind of a sadness pang hurts right in the middle of your heart and makes your body super heavy and that sting in your nose starts before both your eyes start tearing up. and it’s not even like it’s just one emotion, no it’s like all the emotions you could muster. like happiness because you’re going on vacation but then you see this older woman who reminds you of your mother pushing a heavy shopping cart filled with metal cans uphill in the direct sun and there is not a thing you can do so you sit in your car just feeling an overwhelming sadness. and then you feel this tremendous amount of guilt for sitting in your air conditioned car and for having judgement and pity on another person when maybe who knows? it could be recreational for her. but i think the realities of our world is there’s a high likelihood it is in fact for necessity rather than a hobby because a majority of our elderly people don’t really get hobbies, do they? so many work for so many years. especially those without degrees and/or with kids. i think i’ve always known a part of this especially when it came to my parents which is why at nineteen, i decided to make sure my parents were able to have hobbies. and i honestly don’t quite understand it but that was my goal. that’s what steered all of my college aspirations – get a good job and be ready for when my parents can’t work anymore. and i did it. we’ve been really lucky. wow what a turn here. sometimes these turns happen, especially when i’m writing or talking.  

those of you following my relationship with alcohol, we’re still in a negotiation period figuring out what works for me. i think it’s going well. therapy helps, of course. 

l, js