on

the topic of alcohol and my current confusing relationship with it. and this comes after a night out. we went out saturday night and i did drink less than i normally do so pat myself on the back there but we did stay out until two am. i started with a water which was new for me. something i’ve only ever done once before and only did once because the feeling was so awkward. and yet again, the feeling was awkward. i mean, just a lot of thoughts running in my head. am i talking enough? am i not being fun because i don’t have a drink? will people like me? i mean, nonstop background noise. and then i had a drink and then halfway through my second drink – pure silence. not one worry. and it’s like what the fuck? damn you, alcohol. well played. fine, this is why i love you but i’m not partaking in excess. this was my internal dialogue on a saturday night and i did okay. i drank less and didn’t feel completely horrible on sunday so progress. we had a lazy sunday which was not in the plans but i am forgiving myself and being compassionate and telling myself it’s okay. my wellness journey can resume and now i’ll just write about my thoughts on all of it. i enjoy alcohol so much. i mean a margarita at the start of a night is perfection but i haaaate the after effects – the looseness that comes with “sure three more drinks is fine” and then the morning after where you feel sluggish and slow and unmotivated but i loooove the looseness that comes with your personality and self. your body becomes loose and you dance and feel giggly and bubbly and life feels fun. you start to get chatty and laugh more, like at everything and everything that was fun and happy before is top tier fun and happiness. that’s the part of alcohol that i love, a classic chef’s kiss and i just wish i could bottle it up and have it without the alcohol. and that is the million dollar question (that’s the phrase right?) – but like how is that done without alcohol? what is blocking this giggly, bubbly fun? is it anxiety? is it fatigue? is it life itself? the only thing i can think of is i know what i want now and i know what i need to do to get there and currently alcohol doesn’t help. i am a bit of an impulsive person and the carefreeness that alcohol provides also enhances my impulsivity in things like staying out until two am which then leads to less productive days. so i’m going to try to experience more moments with non-alcoholic bevs, like in small spontaneous outings you know? and maybe that does something and maybe it doesn’t. who knows? what i do know is i am continuing to experiment with all the feels with alcohol and for sure staying on the moderation train and have resumed therapy and will continue to write about it in long run on sentences. wish me luck.

l, js