run

away from this chaotic life – the phrase i have been swirling around in my brain for the last two weeks. i’m currently still trying to learn how to balance everything but i have had some epiphanies.  i had a pcp appointment and when asked “do you drink?”  i said “yeah, i’m going to be honest with you.  i am a social binge drinker.”  and he goes “okay so how many drinks do you have and how often?”  and i say “like 6-8 drinks in one night and sometimes it’s every other weekend.”  and that made me think about my alcohol consumption that is also very normalized in a way or at least it has been but it’s not.  and let me tell ya i spent all of my twenties and early thirties in that social binge drinking space and honestly had a blast.  i loved every weekend and every social outing and it was beautiful but i also am okay to let that part of me go.  or at least now i am.  i think i have been struggling with losing that part of myself for the last three years.  it was a part of me that i  loved and was desperately trying to hold onto but as of lately i appreciate that part of myself and i am so lucky and thankful i got to be her but now in my thirty third year of life i don’t think i want to be her anymore and i think i am finally okay with that.  you see in my twenties i had no idea what i wanted.  none.  i felt like there was a goal in mind but i couldn’t tell you exactly what that was.  i was also a girl overcoming ptsd which i did (thankfully) and alcohol really helped with that in the most social and semi-acceptable way (thankfully).  it was my coping mechanism in the anxious sober world i lived in.  but that’s not me now and i think i know what i want.  i mean sometimes i can see it and feel it and live it and yeah i’m going for it.  what i find is that binging weekends do not help in me getting there so it’s time i set it aside.  it no longer serves me – another phrase that has been on my mind for the last year or so and i think just now it has started to really make sense.  i think the trick now is finding out who i am in this newfound space which is also kind of exciting in it’s own way. now this also doesn’t mean i’m not drinking at all anymore.  it just means there is more moderation and saying no to things and i am now in a space where i am no longer resisting this change and i can really see what this looks like. i am essentially letting the fomo (fear of missing out) go, not completely but just kicking her out of the driver’s seat.  i’ll let her in the passenger’s seat from now or maybe the back seat. she’s probably better in the back seat for now. i’ll even give her the middle back seat. 

l, js