my

life is in chaos. CHAOS.  and i think it always has been and maybe i have managed it in the past but right now, at this moment it is too much.  i need a routine.  i need order.  i need consistency so here i am writing about it.  i have no insight whatsoever as to how to achieve it nor how to make it successful but i am one to make note of the constant run on thoughts i have while on this journey for myself and they will live here.  i am uncertain what that can do for a person but regardless, here i am.  here are my words.  i need order.  i do well with order.  every single time i am consistent and i have a routine and a schedule i do well.  i wake up, i write, i meditate, i drink coffee sometimes tea but always with cream.  i work out, i feel good, i’m creative and i’m happy but holy shit it takes sooooo much time.  like even writing this routine takes up at least two lines and my attention span these days is so incredibly short.  i constantly feel like i need to rush, like i should have been at whatever point i want like ten years ago which is absolutely ridiculous because that would make me twenty-three and if i would have accomplished whatever it is that i think should have been accomplished by now at the age of twenty-three my life that i know now wouldn’t be this life and i do love this life.  i love the people i have met and how i met them.  i love the life B and i have made and the we that is us and the trips that we take and the space that we are in.  i love it and maybe, just maybe there is no fucking rush.  i think everything is exactly where it is supposed to be and i think me realizing i benefit from order and have this urge to adhere to a routine is where i am meant to be and i think i just need to remember there is no rush.  no rush at all.  i actually do have all the time in the world to do hour long routines or even that i can build the intuition to pick and choose which ones will benefit me for the day and i just need to be okay with that because at this moment i need creativity and i just need a small glimmer of a peace like feeling, something to settle this chaos that i can only describe as seltzer that’s been shaken too much.  so wish me luck.  here’s to calmness.

l, js