and

just like that i write nothing for almost three months. but i think what matters is hi, i’m here. i’m back. a lot has happened. i am thirty-three now!  it was the best time of dancing and drinking with some of my favorites.  i backpacked and camped in a rugged manner.  it was rough but honestly very worth it.  aaaannnddd my father has had two strokes and it has been a lot.  we are very thankful that they have only caused minor deficits as of now although unfortunately he’s having to relearn how to walk but still getting around with a walker.  i spent the last week with them.  i’ve always known my parents would get older and something of this sort may happen but i don’t think i knew how exactly it would feel.  it is much sadder than i anticipated of course.  i also don’t think i realized this invincibility i thought my parents had.  illnesses and death all seemed so far off.  and the thing that really gets you is the  unknowns of the future, which i am a professional at not just thinking about all the worst case scenarios but also feeling it, dwelling in it, and essentially just drowning in it.  lately my obsession has been the different jessica’s that will one day happen such as currently I am the jessica with two parents and one day i will be the jessica with just one parent or maybe no parents and that is a terrible thing to think about.  at least for me.  it gives me this physical heart ache that just fucking hurts.  soooo what i have started to do is – i say to myself, “STOP, that may or may not happen but right now in this present moment you are jessica with two parents who have always loved you and who you can call and talk to and laugh with and that is perfect.”  and that’s all i can do right now and i’m trying to learn to be okay with that.  because the thing is, me dwelling in these horrifically sad future thoughts is it might not even happen like that and also experiencing the sadness now doesn’t do shit for the sadness when it does happen so why for the love why do i obsess on feeling it twice?  it must be because i’m a cancer.  but i’m telling you this, i will not feel it twice.  i swear.  nope, not anymore.  

l, j (an evolving cancer)