this

is the third full week of march and as much as i want to not count weeks like this, i am.  i want to just be present and stop counting down things.  i want to stop wondering what is going to happen next and just be here.  maybe give my anxiety a rest from my body.  could that be what happens?  am i just anxiety with a body?  like living, breathing, walking anxiety.  insert fearful face emoji, new nightmare unlocked for sure.  but no that can’t be it, right?  i have started to think of things like this now – in visual representations of what i think is happening and almost always the visual is so insanely far from anything humanly possible that i calm down.  it gives me this odd perspective where i am able to tell myself no, jessica that’s not it.  that is not how the universe works.  the universe is not just plopping anxiety in human form onto the earth.  my anxiety is in fact a small part of my human self that coincides with the other parts of me, even the parts i really like and of course the ones i don’t like very much.  and somehow when that anxiety meets with the ones i don’t like it beomes a lot.  like for example when my anxiety and that small fear of my human self meet – they ignite.  full force brush fire in my body that just bulldozes over everything i like about me and has me question every single thing and think of every worst case scenario and i start counting time and have this irrational fear like there is not enough time.  so what i am trying to do is let my anxiety hang out with the parts of me that i do like and almost always there’s a part that is like “hey anxiety, not here okay.  simmer down.  life is good.  just chill.”  and then i just am.  and i think that’s where i would like to stay.

l, js