hi.

my anxiety has been at full force these last couple of days.  seeing a news article about a 34 year old woman abducted while running and then had her body found days later just really amped up it.  i cannot imagine the trauma she endured or the trauma her family is currently experiencing and it has somehow reminded me of the fear i lived in for years after being very lucky to have made it out of a home invasion.  also it’s strange how someone else’s tragedy sometimes reminds us of our own or how we mentally hug all of our immediate family and friends and say a silent prayer of thanks that we are all okay.  i am uncertain of how i feel about this human trait of ours but nonetheless here i am doing it.  it reminded me of my own trauma and how someone else’s absolute nightmare is one a lot of us worry about and when it will happen to us. i made it out of a home invasion and i spent the rest of my years worrying about something similar or worse happening again.  it was a nightmare.  i never wish it on anyone.  i should have gone to therapy for more than one session but i thought i had it under control because in a way i was still living my life.  i was still very lucky and was holding my job and my boyfriend loved me and i was still hanging out with friends.  i felt i was okay.  and sure there were nights where a cold sweat would come over me and i would feel like this was it and sure maybe that happened a lot but i was still okay.  i was living a life.  it took me a long time to realize that this chatter, these catastrophic thoughts were in fact hindering my life so i went big.  i travel nursed and lived with a friend of mine without my boyfriend, made myself live in this pseudo-alone life in baltimore, maryland.  the first night we heard gunshots. the first week i spent one night on the couch with no lights on and the tv at a minimal volume – i wanted no one to know i was home alone and i sat on that couch, my heart thumping, my brain thinking this was it.  i told myself “go to bed.  you cannot live like this or you will go insane” so i went to bed & i woke up the next day and worked every night that i would have to be alone.  i found comfort in sleeping during the day and working at night and i did it for thirteen weeks.  i was fixed.  so fixed that i did an assignment on my own and landed in long beach, california at 8:30 pm to an airbnb that belonged to people i had never met before in my life.  as i exited my uber and found myself in front of this house, the fear set in. i said to myself “what am i doing?? this is it.  this is where it happens.” & by it i was referring to all the worst case scenarios in my head – being abducted, never seeing my husband or family again, being killed.  i forced myself to find the key, open the empty house and make my way to my single bedroom, locked the door and made myself go to bed.  i woke up to the bluest skies i had ever seen in my life and every single day after, was just like that – the bluest skies.  a perfect groundhog day, if you will.  i lived in this house with the sweetest woman and there was also comfort in that but i just feel like southern california really made me remember how fucking beautiful life is and that it would be okay.  and just like that i really was fixed.  i started traveling with my husband again and sure the thoughts were still there from time to time but never like it was before.  it was at a minimal volume to the point where i almost didn’t even know they were there and it was everything beautiful.  and I just wish we as humans who are already trying so damn hard to make it in this world did not have to endure moments like this, moments that make them doubt everything about themselves. moments that take your happiest things in life and turn them into complete and utter fear, moments that snatch you out of a beautiful space where nothing bad ever happens.  so all in all, do good things.  we can’t do a single damn thing about the bad ones but we can sure as hell try to overshadow them with an abundance of good things.

l, js